the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
