last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
