Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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