Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
