If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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