I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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