I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
