I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
