well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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