Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
