reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
