i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
