She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
