Even the bartender felt bad for me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He better not be in your backpack
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
