When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
