The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I AM VODKA MAN
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
