Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
