Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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