my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
