i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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