I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how do flat chested girls get laid?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
