you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
