We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
