I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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