I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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