Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
