If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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