I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
