hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
