just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Everclear isn't food dammit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
