So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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