no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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