I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
