i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
