theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
