I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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