Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
