Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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