I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
