He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
