so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
