So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
