I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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