This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
