I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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