just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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