my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
