Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
