so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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