Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
