I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
