Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
