can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
