i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
