Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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