You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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