I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
