I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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