Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
